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Dominance and submission are BEHAVIORS not inherent qualities of a person. (sorry about the shouting but this type of semantic confusion is most distressing) I think Pat says it well when she writes "I am only sexually submissive and only part of the time, but I absolutely hate to ask for a spanking" because Pat is talking about behaviour. Pat wishes to behave in a submissive manner only in specific ways and at specific times and she does not want to have to ask her partner to behave in a corresponding dominant manner. You can't always get what you want of course, but if you don't understand that you want behaviour rather than some kind of inherent "state" you will never be satisfied. My partner, Catherine, who is 35, and I have been together six years. I am 49. We live in the UK. I have visited your site a few times since discovering it in the summer, and have read many of the articles, and it is worth saying what a relief it is to hear intelligent voices discussing a subject that is fraught with misunderstanding. I thought I would take the opportunity to share my own thoughts and our experiences with you all. I think a Taken In Hand relationship is about expressing sexuality, not in an old-fashioned way, but in an honest way. It is not about bullying, but about willing surrender leading to a wonderful release of tension which allows us to be in love. It is not about repression, but about an etiquette in the relationship, about making agreements that help us to live in harmony, where there are no hidden gripes or judgements.
